Posted by: Andrew | February 1, 2010

day twenty-eight: tetrazzini threads & sugarbaker monologues

DAY TWENTY-NINE was a high school friend of mine who shares an odd similarity with me.  We have both embarrassingly fainted at school.

My story begins one lunch period during the third grade.  I greedily fill my lunch tray with all the best that my school district had to offer: cream corn, green beans, chicken tetrazzini (which I’m pretty sure is Italian for “leftovers”) and a carton of milk.  I take my tray to the table assigned for my classroom and sit down on one of the standard road-construction-orange school chairs.

At some point during the lunch, probably from multiplication table singing exhaustion, I remember everything going white and waking up facing the ceiling with my classmates staring down at me.  I could feel that I had a nice bump on the side of my head.  While my classmates stared in horror and the cafeteria monitors nowhere to be found, I reached up to the table to help pull myself up and instead pulled my lunch tray on top of me.  Dressed in cream corn, green beans, leftover chicken and milk, my plight no longer evoked stunned silence from my classmates but rather incapacitating laughter – and honestly, at that age, who can blame them?  It was pretty funny. 

DAY TWENTY-NINE’s fainting story wasn’t quite like mine, but that’s probably a good thing.


DAY TWENTY-TWO obviously went to the Julia Sugarbaker “Butter You Up Before Dressing You Down” School of Conversation.  Her second reply starts off with a laundry list of activities that has kept her from writing me back – her mother’s birthday, her grandmother’s birthday, her sister-in-law’s birthday.  She hasn’t had a moment to “get her daily Facebook fix!”  lol, oh, DAY TWENTY-TWO!  Haha, that almost made me forget how much you disapprove of me!  However, she was a trooper and wrote back an unfortunately ignorant response because a busy schedule isn’t going stop her from trying to save my soul.

Since a sticking point always seems to be whether homosexuality is a chosen lifestyle, my initial reply to DAY TWENTY-TWO included my experience and belief of how it isn’t a choice.  She responded today that though “[I] may have been born with feminine traits,” real love is an act of choice.  Her well-informed position on homosexuality blows (my mind).  She couldn’t possibly be operating on the representation of gay men and women that only her insulated bubble offers, right?  I’m sure she’s including Major League Baseball star Billy Bean, Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas, and the millions of other masculine homosexual men with whom she’s familiar. 

She says that maybe the best idea is for us to agree to disagree, but then she goes on to throw more scripture at me.  Apparently the latter part of her paragraph missed the “agree to disagree” staff meeting.  What I found most puzzling was her last paragraph where she suggests we switch gears to a “lighter note” and tell her where I’m living and what I’m doing.  “Tell me more about you!”  Though I applaud her finishing up in true Julia Sugarbaker form, I don’t think that’ll be happening.

I haven’t responded to her yet.  I’m not even sure whether I’m going to respond.  One thing’s for sure though – DAY TWENTY-TWO’s the day that keeps on giving.



  1. “. . . the fuel tank exploded, and local authorities and the Fire Marshal fear everyone on board was killed.

    Next up! America’s longstanding love affair with funnel cake!”

    “Ooooh, I love funnel cake.”

    “Hahaha, I know you do, Linda.”

  2. I understand you have too many fish to fry to answer day 22 and she does concede that you may have had no choice in your sexual orientation………. but remember this, she may have attended the Julia Sugarbaker School of Conversation……….but we ARE the Sugarbakers. She was born into a very wealthy family of athletes and she married a youth minister. How masculine do you think a “youth minister” feels in a house full of jocks????? (You have to wear a cup just to enter that testosterone laden house.) This scripture she quotes comes from hubby and you gave him the perfect opportunity to feel superior to someone – and that is what discrimination is all about, feeling superior. BTW, hubby’s calling from God got trumped by that calling from money and he now works for Daddy affording EVERYONE the opportunity to drive a Cadillac. You have certainly put a face on the “I don’t know a gay” crowd, but knowing that mindset, she will take your silence as victory and she only showed her ignorance………. “and THAT, Marjorie, just so you will know and someday your children will know, is the night the lights went out in Georgia.”

  3. Ummmm, Gerry, you are ferosh!

    Julia Sugarbaker once told an equally ignorant homophobe “Now listen here Imagean, if God was handin’ out sexually transmitted diseases for sinin’, you would be at the free clinic allllllll of the time”

    See ya at the Free Clinic Day 22!

    Also Gerry, if you two are the Sugarbakers, can I at least be Mary Jo?!? I’ll never forget that fierce monologue she delivered about condoms, to the PTA, the same episode as the above Julia quote, if memory serves me :-)

  4. Rusty, you can be anyone you want to be as long as you stay friends with my son. You are a good friend and I’m grateful for that.

    See ya on the 22nd!!!

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